The next morning, as I dressed my sweet baby girl, I realized the ironies of our lives: she's four and a half months old and the majority of her clothes are sized for 12 months (and up). And I realized that if she actually possessed the ability to realize that she's bigger than the other girls her age, this is not something I would point out. I would pray that she didn't understand or see the difference. I would never encourage her to slim down to a six month onesie. She's beautiful, big or not. She will always be perfect and beautiful to me, no matter her size.
Like many of you, I struggle with my body image; I always have. Cue the completely insane running I used to do (until my knees started buckling and my Achilles tendon just stopped allowing it). But I want to have Belle's mindset, oblivious and clueless as to what the world - or the percentiles - say she should be. I want to be happy with my size like she is - guzzling bottles, gnawing on apples slices - happy with these hips that are never going to be the same. I want to embrace the idea that the number on the tag doesn't matter - it's more about inner beauty, about loving myself regardless of the baby weight. I want to be encouraged by my daily efforts, by my relentless rolling out of bed in the morning to complete a work out that my body barely has energy to do.
And so today, thanks to my sweet baby girl who is big and beautiful, I resolve to be better. I resolve to stop sulking and start smiling. And I'm going to try to accept this post baby body, grateful that it had the capacity to be a pregnant body in the first place. After all, if I didn't have a post baby body, I wouldn't have my Belle.
And of course, as always, she is worth it. Worth it all.
Miss Annabelle, 4 1/2 months old, 12 month old clothes.
I get it. And totally relate.
ReplyDeleteKeep working out because it keeps you strong and healthy to care for Belle and Jess...plus, it's great therapy and alone time. :) At least those are the reasons I work out.
Also, she is only 4 1/2 months old. It took you almost 10 months to put the weight on and for your hips to spread. Give yourself a break. And, I'm not sure if you are nursing or not, but I am one of those people that can't really drop weight until I stop nursing. So I have to be patient for a while more here...
Plus, elastic waisted skirts are totally underrated...comfy, with no definitive size on the tag. :)
It will come off; you may not wear the same size again, but you'll find your new you and new groove and it will be beautiful.
I get to see her in 3 weeks!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWell said, especially before Thanksgiving. I will eat more pie now and love it!
ReplyDeleteI could not agree more. The sad thing is that our society always says were are not perfect. It's "losing the baby weight" "losing the marriage weight" "Losing those pesky 5 lbs" .... My sister watches the Biggest Losers and applauds any little changes. You are trying to be healthier for your sweet baby, not for the world.
ReplyDeleteI truly understand your angst, Shauntel -- I felt thin and beautiful before getting pregnant, and now I refuse to go shopping for clothes at all. (I was secretly relieved when I got pregnant again, though now it means I'll have two babies' worth of weight to lose in a few months.) Being in a ward with so many thin beauties (who don't seem to gain baby weight at all!) doesn't help, either. I think I'll try to make this resolution with you; I can't imagine the pain and guilt I would feel if my own body image issues were passed down to a daughter.
ReplyDeleteIn a moment of irony, the "word verification" under this comment box is currently "probodi."
She's not alone! Lucas is right there with her.
ReplyDeleteI cried a lot after Logan was born because my hips widened and I have never been able to get into the clothes I wore before I had him, nor any of my shirts because after nursing my girls didn't go down either!
Oh the joys of being a mommy!