the ironies of pregnancy

(according to mwah)

1. I can exercise all I want, but I only get wider. In fact, if I walk around too much, it's likely that I'll not slim down, but actually swell up, hands made of sausage links, my feet excellent paddles. It is at those times that I'm pretty sure pregnant women would make excellent floatation devices. I can picture it. I'm at the city pool, fingers and toes swollen in the sun. Someone falls in, can't swim. They say, "Grab the pregnant woman." And they toss me in. I float.

Paper reads: "Drowning Child Saved by Clinging to the Swollen Toes of Pregnant Woman."

2. I eat so often these days that food has become unappealing. It's like I'm literally sick of eating. This is something I never thought possible. Food and I go way back. I mean, I give food more attention than I give most people - I'm either saying "No, I will not eat you 53rd piece of chocolate cake," or I'm telling that same piece of cake just how in love I am. In any case, now, I don't even want to have a conversation. Most the time I wish it would just leave me alone.

3. At the time of my life when I probably feel the most tired I have ever felt, I've sworn myself off caffeine. I have never wanted an ice cold Dr Pepper more than I do at about 4 p.m., driving home from work, propping toothpicks in my eyes to keep them open. I think I'll have someone bring a bottle in while I'm giving birth. For motivation. And the doctor will say, "It's a Gender!" And then I'll hold that baby so close.

With one arm.

Because the other will be cradling the Dr Pepper.