Thursday, September 29, 2011

a disease

Last night, as I lay in bed, aching with exhaustion, I said to Jess, "I think sometimes we forget that I have a disease. I mean, literally. I have an auto immune disease. And it's never going away."

I visited with my endocrinologist today (thyroid doctor). We're working on getting my thyroid back to normal after pregnancy. I really love this woman. I love her for keeping my thyroid steady for nine months while it shared with a baby, and I love her for being willing to fix it now. It will take some weeks, but it will happen. She did an ultrasound of my thyroid as well. It was kind of fun to see my missing half thyroid, and that other spongy gross right lobe that's just rotting in there. The good news is it looks disgusting, but normal for my disease. No suspicious spots this time.

She rattled off a bunch of symptoms she guessed I might be experiencing - exhaustion, anxiety, ravenous hunger, depression, tremors (my hands) - and explained that it was normal and that we really could get it back to normal. It felt good to hear someone say that all this nuttiness is normal. I mentioned that I was weaning Lydia (we're down to morning and night feedings and neither of us have been happier since she was born) and she actually responded with enthusiasm. Because doing so will just help rid my body of excess hormones. Right now I just want my body back. I'll always need help setting my body right, but I really want to get it there. I mentioned my low carb, no sugar pregnancy diet, and she told me that I'd do well to stick to it. Forever. Most bodies don't "need" excess carbs, but mine just doesn't deal well with them. I agreed with her and explained that although I snitch, I'm sticking to it pretty well. (Minus that baby shower weekend, when I got sick as a dog because I didn't just snitch, I became a glutton. Gag.)

Anyhow, this is just me rambling and remembering. My disease isn't a big deal. In the realm of physical ailing, it's pretty much at the bottom of the ladder. I mean it won't go away, but it also won't kill me. I'll be affected by it forever, I'll balance it forever, and I'll blame all of life's problems on it forever, but it's relatively mild. I'm so grateful it's manageable and that I can live a normal, healthy life. One with babies and a redhead. And chocolate. And Diet Dr Pepper.

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