my babies

This morning, Annabelle didn't wake up as she typically does: humming or singing a song, either known or made up. She woke up SCREAMING. I rushed in because I knew it wasn't a typical scream, and she yelped, "My neck!" Girl shoves that blanket under head like crazy, and I figured it was a kink. I called the nurse to get any other warning signs I should be looking for (she had nothing), and gave her ibuprofen. She stayed on the couch for six hours. With two bathroom breaks only because I carried her screaming body to the bathroom because I knew she needed to go whether she liked it or not. She's rarely sick or in pain, and I think that more than pain, she was experiencing fear. I broke down in tiny tears a few times while I tended to her. I hated knowing she was hurting and scared, and I hated not being able to fix it. At one point, after I told her I'd done the same thing before to my neck and that it goes away, she sobbed into my shoulder and asked, "When will it go away!?"

Eventually it got bad enough and didn't seem to be fixing at all, even with ibuprofen and rest, so the doctor wanted to see her. And being the uber paranoid mother that I am, I agreed. I got the latest appointment available - an hour out - and started rushing about trying to finish a meal I was making for a neighbor who just had a baby while simultaneously packing the diaper bag and feeding Lydia some mashed bananas. Suddenly, in the whirlwind, I heard Lou Lou choke. This wasn't a regular gag, which she's really good at and typically is able to get up any bothersome pieces of food. This was real live, no breath choking. I whipped her out of her chair, flipped her around, and started pounding her back. She started turning purple and continued to fight for air. I pounded some more and then swished her mouth. I could feel something, but she was hysterical and thrashing and I don't think I did much of anything. I pounded. She coughed up mucus, some bloody. And then I prayed. Hard. Outloud. Desperately. My baby was purple! And suddenly she started breathing again. It was all I could do to not collapse in a fit of sobs. It was all too much.

My babies.

In the end, Jess came home early from work, and we took the girls to the doctor (Lydia was fine and wasn't seen). A friend who was going to deliver the meal I'd been preparing (because I had a child stuck on the couch) called and told me to just stop worrying about it, and she finished the meal. Annabelle's neck miraculously healed itself the minute the doctor walked in (naturally). And all was well. I've spent the evening - still unshowered as I maintained a constant vigil over Belle because she was just so scared - staring at and loving my babies. I don't have words to describe how much I love my girls. I try to form them frequently. But it's usually just a bunch of fluff. This kind of love is so deep seeded, so much a part of my soul, and truly impossible to express. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for their presence in my life. And especially tonight do I thank Him. For their lives. Their beautiful, healthy, lovely lives.

My babies.