half baked

I was a barely four weeks pregnant. I was so early pregnant that most people in my shoes wouldn't have even bothered to take a test yet. But I had a feeling. The whole month, I knew. And so even though I was a few days early, I took the test. There it was. That + I'd waited for for two years. Barely four weeks pregnant. A poppyseed, the Google told me. That was the size of our baby.

Lou had a dentist appointment a few days later, and for some reason I thought to ask. I had to talk in code because Annabelle will pick up on any conversation nowadays. "So, if I'm like super early...with child...is the laughing gas a problem for me?" They said that it could be, and to be safe, I should probably leave the room. 

My heart got panicky and I looked at the girls in turn, mentally calculating how to make this work. This was Lou's second visit, and the first one hadn't gone well - she raged and fought and it was almost comical. But at the moment, she was super calm on her kid cocktail drug, so I told her I'd be right back and began to silently pray that this visit would go better than the last. Then Annabelle piped up, "Mom, I'll stay here." My eyes stung. I told her that would be wonderful, and would she sit right here by Lou and hold her hand? "Sure Mom."

I sat outside of the room, down the hall, listening, sending text messages to Jess in California, telling him to pray for our babies taking on the world one cavity at a time - alone - fighting tears and praying that Lou wouldn't come undone. As I sat and I listened, I didn't hear anything but giggles and the dentist's sing songy "Sweetheart don't move your tongue" and "Silly sister!" and "What is that Gru doing?!" and so on. And then Belle came bounding out - "It's done! You can come in Mom." They hadn't had to numb her, and our dentist is a master of speed and fillings, so it took all of seven minutes. Basically it was a miracle.

I think it was in that moment where I had to let go of my babies, let them be big, for the sake of another whose heart hadn't even started beating yet, but whom I believed in with all my heart, that I knew adding one more to this already perfect unit of four was going to be okay. Already they were making room for the sibling they didn't even know had started it's way earthward. Already they were taking care of each other while Mommy took care of the baby.

And now this poppyseed of mine is kicking and fluttering and the miracle of it all is sometimes overwhelming. God's timing is maybe the most magical thing I've ever been a part of. It's brutal. It's so hard to be human and not understand. But I know that it's real and that God's hand in our lives is more present than we can possibly imagine. And that his plan is not only a good one but the best one. I waited for this baby much longer than I anticipated; but even now, I can see that this baby is coming exactly when we needed it to. And although it's not what I planned at all, it seems to be pretty perfect.

P.S. We had our twenty week ultrasound today. We took the big sisters - Annabelle was able to pick out body parts and squeal at the cute baby and Lou basically made noise and touched all the things she wasn't supposed to touch. So all in all, a success.
P.P.S. As with the girls, this baby's gender will remain unknown until it makes its official entrance.