i'll take the sliced hammer

So we made our weekly trek to Sam's Club. And while we were walking down the aisle of huge hunks of cow, shrink wrapped and ready for carniverous consumption (ah, the alliteration), we hear over the loudspeaker: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you're interested in receiving a free paring knife - that's right I said free - just head on over to the red table, located next the potato chips and the wine, just in front of the bakery." I kept walking, but Jess was like, "Hey, it's free!"

FREEEEEE STUFFFFF!

So I listen to this dude make the announcement a few more times, and when he said it was my "last and final" (as opposed to my last and first?) chance to win a free paring knife, valued at FIVE NINETY NINE, I made my way over to the bakery area, next to the wine and the potato chips, and told the husband he'd have his knife.

So the dude jumps into his booth and starts making clever quips. And before we know it, dude is CUTTING A HAMMER with a stainless steel knife. A hammer folks. Then he whips out a tomato, slices it thinly (with the same knife), grabs the skewering knife and skins the other half of the tomato, and I'm like, as long as you don't want my first born child (I have my limits people), I'LL TAKE IT.

And so before you could say "smooth talking con artist," Jess found himself purchasing a lovely set of knives (with bonus Eurochopper, for buying NOW). So now not only can I slice tomatoes at the speed of lightning, but we can also serve sliced hammer, should our guests appreciate such fare.

And Jess has his free knife.

that caviar is a garnish!

So my last year at BYU was a rough one: I had a really good friend, and roommate, who turned on me in a number of ways. She didn't know that her voice carried through the ventilation of our apartment, but I heard the things she said about me. They were untrue, and they were brutal. She and the new roommate didn't know that I knew they were leaving me out quite a bit, but I noticed. I knew that when one was going to "the grocery store" and one was going "to get gas," they were actually "going to Del Taco." I wasn't stupid. But I was hurt. And I can usually see a lie on someone's face.

In any case, it was rough. I was very much alone that last year. Luckily, I had my mom, who is always my friend - thank goodness for technology and speed dial. And then there was Meg Ryan (before that awful botching of the lips she had done) and Tom Hanks. Every night, when I'd go to bed, so I didn't have to think about being sad, I'd put on my favorite movie, "You've Got Mail." It wasn't so much on because I wanted to watch it; it was mostly on just to play the part of my friend. And I only had a few movies, so it was almost always the best choice. I'd fall asleep to it almost nightly.

Time passed, I graduated, moved home, and mended my very broken self. Looking back now, of course, it's a small bump in the long road of life. But at the time, it was serious. And ever since then, my love for "You've Got Mail" hasn't diminished. I know it inside and out. I can sing the soundtrack - I know the transitions between scenes. "You've Got Mail" is my friend.

And then I started dating Jess. Long distance. Often through email and online chats. And suddenly I was living my movie. (Except, of course, I knew who I was talking to.) I was ShopGirl and he was NY152. And life was magical, just like a movie.

And so my tribute to one of my favorites - some of the best lines. Those of you who have been sucked into this movie, as it so easily happens, might remember a few. :)

______________

"For example, what should I have recently said to the bot-tom dwel-ler....who recently belittled my existence?"

"If I ever get out of here, I'm having my eyes lasered."

"What is that?! What are you doing. What are you doing?? That caviar is a garnish!"

"No, I am in the book business."

"Whatever it costs it won't be as much as that exquisitely uncomfortable mohair experience...that is now all over my suit."

"Joe. Just call me Joe."

"I'm in the middle of a project that needs a little...tweaking."

"She had to be! I knew she would be! She - had - to - be!"

"What about you? Is there someone else?" "No...no...but there is the dream of someone else."

"I once read about a butterfly on a subway, and today...I saw one!"

"Mr. 152 Felony Indictments." "Mr. 152 Insights Into My Soul!"

"I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

"Frank, I've decided I'm going to go the mattresses. Do you know what it means to go to the mattresses?" "Sure, from the Godfather." Dum, dum (sorry...the music)

"This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop, where it's fun."

"We should bomb Fox Books."

"Maybe he's fat. Yep, he's fat. He's a fatty."

"Joe Fox. Tell me, how do you sleep at night?" "Oh, I use this wonderful over the counter drug...Ultradorm"

"It's like they're an entire generation of cocktail waitresses. Don't they know you're supposed to have a last name?!"

"So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"If she turns out to be even as good looking as a mailbox, I'd be crazy not to turn my life upside down and marry her."

"The odd thing about this form of communication is, you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just wanted to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings. So, thank you."

easy toned

POST EDIT: So apparently I'm not the only one who wants to marry these shoes. I've received some feedback indicating that they're going, going fast. If anyone wants to jump on the EasyTone train (they really do something, but don't expect major miracles), I've found Google's shopping function pretty handy. Those of you with normal sized feet will have the hardest time finding them. I suppose there are times it pays to have paddles for feet.

Okay, so yes, I totally fell for the commercials for the EasyTone shoes. As one who suffers from post pregnancy body image issues syndrome, I'll bite anything that says it will tone my legs and butt just by wearing them. However, before buying I did do some research. I read numerous reviews, and almost without exception, they were positive. People were very matter of fact about it, mentioning that of course you won't lose weight, per say, but that they did feel as though their legs did some extra work by walking on these shoes. (It feels a bit like you're walking on sand - you have to kind of balance every time you step.)

Now I have what my podiatrist has termed chronic Achilles tendonitis. This means that my Achilles tendon will flare up from time to time - almost always from over or misuse. The most recent bout occurred when, in an effort to drop pounds quickly (running really does it folks), I started running about three months after giving birth. (Previously, I had done almost exclusively the elliptical.) As it turns out, I jumped in way too soon. My podiatrist guessed that not only do I have the chronic thing going for me, but that also my tendons and ligaments had not yet hardened back up after pregnancy.

I rested for two weeks. Resting in my language means poking my eyes out. There is a part of me that believes neglecting a day's work out equates to automatic weight gain. (Remember when I mentioned I have body issues?) I did the ibuprofen, the icing. And it got sort of better. I can do the elliptical again, but most of my closet's footwear is obsolete as they touch my tendon (its scar tissue has made it bigger than my other foot's - awesome, ay?) and irritate it all over again. Most recently, my arch has begun to hurt, most likely plantar fasciitis, yet another running injury, Achilles tendonitis' first cousin. (Does anyone else feel like my right foot should be checked into a rest home?)

So I fall for the commercials. I buy the EasyTones. And I've been wearing them for a few days now. I don't use them to exercise, but I wear them during the day. And by the end of the day my legs are legitimately tired. But I'm not here to report about my newly toned calves or my ridiculously firmed butt (ha). I'm here to tell you that my foot - the one that needs a wheelchair, three Aspirin, and a nurse - hasn't felt this good in months. MONTHS. I go for hours without thinking about icing my foot. I walk without gingerly stepping so as to avoid undo pressure on my arch. I can touch my foot without wincing. THIS IS HUGE.

It is with great pleasure that I would like to report that I've canceled my foot replacement surgery (I'm sure I could find some third world country to do this for me) and instead I'M GOING TO WEAR EASYTONES UNTIL I DIE.

Note: I have one complaint about the EasyTones - the styling is a little....um...1980? I chose a pair that I found the cutest among their styles (pictured in the below post), and I do like them, but the shoe in real life is much more shiny in the plastic regions and is something quite reminiscent of the L.A. Gear shoes I sported in third grade.

kate winslet is my sister

So today we went to Sam's Club, one of the best places on earth: chocolate sold in bulk, free samples everywhere you turn, and slightly discounted baby formula (expensive substance that formula). But today, this place won a spot in my heart forever. You see, the trainer at the check out counter, who we've talked to before because of our baby and the questions she elicits, said as our dollars went flying through the air with every scan, "Now she reminds me of that woman from Titanic."

"Me?!" (I honestly thought he was talking about Annabelle - although I really don't think she looks that old.)

When he applied in the affirmative, I sucked in my baby fat, and walked out a little taller. He was totally lying, and I look nothing like her (except that we share the same skin tone), but it did wonders for my self esteem.

As we left, he said to Jess, "See ya Leonardo."

:)

cinco de baby

For five months,

I've been waking up

to this face.

And for five months,

every night,
when I go to bed,

I can't wait to wake up,

so I can see

this face.

For five months,

I've been falling in love

with this face.

Haven't you? ;)

work it

So remember when my little bug

(remember her? yeah...she looks so innocent doesn't she?)

gave me a cold?

Well, it has really thrown a wrench into my working out schedule (as if I needed more excuses to not work out). So to compensate for my sedentary nature, I'm sporting the Christmas present I ordered for myself (from Jess, of course). My EasyTone Reeboks. They're guaranteed to firm my butt and legs by simply wearing them.

Yes, I fell for their commercials. Bring it.

So do you think I actually have to get up off the couch to make these EasyTones do something for me?

Working out is way easy you guys.

even though...

...I think egg nog is one of the more revolting concoctions ever devised - raw eggs people, RAW EGGS - I love the flavor. Enter Silk Nog. Soy milk has improved this world not only by replacing that icky white drink that exits a cow, but also by creating a special version of egg nog, free of egg, full of Christmas flavor.

...I stopped running to try and heal my Achilles tendon, it seems that even the elliptical has knocked my arch into inflammation. Enter orthotics. And geriatrics. Geez.

...I sanitize and wash my hands to the point that the skin is literally peeling off in order to keep germs from getting to Annabelle, I caught her cold. Oh the irony. It might have something to do with the fact that she gnaws on my fingers quite regularly? Maybe I should stop gnawing on mine.

The Christensen girls will appreciate Belle's look above the most - is it possible that she speaks our language already? NAR!

Oh, and for those who haven't yet seen that red mark on Belle's belly, it's a hemangioma. It's a collection of blood vessels - sometimes called a "strawberry" - that will break apart with time. It's kind of like her first tattoo. She should be aware that it will be her last as well. :)

most grateful

the right size

This weekend, we made a trip out to the mall - mostly because we just wanted to wander and join the Christmas throngs, but also because I'm in dire need of skirts that fit. I found a sale going on at one of the department stores so I grabbed some to try on. I was met with extreme disappointment. Nothing fit. The size I had to go up to in order to fit into one was a size that I'd never worn before. I almost cried. And I think that is mostly because I've been working so hard - I thought surely something would fit. Suddenly, I felt like all my efforts were pointless. I suddenly regretted all of the chocolate I hadn't eaten.

The next morning, as I dressed my sweet baby girl, I realized the ironies of our lives: she's four and a half months old and the majority of her clothes are sized for 12 months (and up). And I realized that if she actually possessed the ability to realize that she's bigger than the other girls her age, this is not something I would point out. I would pray that she didn't understand or see the difference. I would never encourage her to slim down to a six month onesie. She's beautiful, big or not. She will always be perfect and beautiful to me, no matter her size.

Like many of you, I struggle with my body image; I always have. Cue the completely insane running I used to do (until my knees started buckling and my Achilles tendon just stopped allowing it). But I want to have Belle's mindset, oblivious and clueless as to what the world - or the percentiles - say she should be. I want to be happy with my size like she is - guzzling bottles, gnawing on apples slices - happy with these hips that are never going to be the same. I want to embrace the idea that the number on the tag doesn't matter - it's more about inner beauty, about loving myself regardless of the baby weight. I want to be encouraged by my daily efforts, by my relentless rolling out of bed in the morning to complete a work out that my body barely has energy to do.

And so today, thanks to my sweet baby girl who is big and beautiful, I resolve to be better. I resolve to stop sulking and start smiling. And I'm going to try to accept this post baby body, grateful that it had the capacity to be a pregnant body in the first place. After all, if I didn't have a post baby body, I wouldn't have my Belle.

And of course, as always, she is worth it. Worth it all.

Miss Annabelle, 4 1/2 months old, 12 month old clothes.

even though...

...Even though it makes me sad to see the leaves fall, I'm secretly giddy that winter is on its way.

...Even though I swore off Glee, every week I find myself resisting the urge to turn off the TV after SYTYCD ends. I suppose the immoral factor is a little lower, but still. Let's be honest, I'm just totally obsessed with the songs.

...Even though I actually enjoy Christmas crowds from time to time, I have to say that Christmas shopping online is the smartest thing I've ever done. Next to eating chocolate before and after every meal. And sometimes as a snack in between. (Why can't I lose this baby weight?!)

...Even though Thanksgiving is still a week away, our stockings our hanging already. This is mostly because there's no room to store anything in this tiny apartment, so instead of stashing them, I thought we'd start celebrating.

...Even though I'm not pregnant, I will not be eating ham for any holiday meal. Pregnancy killed the small tolerance I had for ham in the first place.

...Even though I promise myself I'll clean my closet every day (there's got to be something in there that fits!), a little girl with brown/blue eyes usually ends up persuading me that playing with her would be more fun.

...Even though my fridge is full of leftovers, I keep cooking. I'm totally obsessed with new meals. (Have I mentioned I'M NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE?)

...Even though I wanted to post yet another photo of my Belle, I refrained and instead you are enjoying the smoky clouds that give the Great Smokies their name.